The Gift of Dependence
2023 reflections + recap
It has been a few months since I have written much of anything, but as the year comes to a close, like many others I find myself in a place of reflection and reformation.
At the start of every year, my husband and I have engaged in two practices for the majority of our marriage:
We fast alongside our church family as a way to seek God and submit the year to Him.
We ask God for a word to mark the new year— both personally and as a family.
At the start of 2023 I found myself in a pretty desolate place. Having struggled daily with gut health issues and anxiety for the months leading up to the end of the year— I was desperate to both hear from God and to receive healing in my body. I felt discouragement begin to rise within me when as the fast came to a close I still found myself in need of healing. Little did I know that even though healing didn’t come as I had hoped, it would come and continues to come. And it came not in a moment, but through a word. Through the word God spoke to me during that fast— dependence.
Sometimes I wonder where my desire for independence comes from, then I spend no more than a few minutes with my toddler and am quickly reminded just how innate the inclination is.
“mama, I pour it!”
”I scoop the peanut butter!”
”I mix it!” — and so on.
Our desire for independence and control is not new or unique. In fact this weakness made itself apparent as far back as the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve took of the fruit. They ate to be like God apart from God, but this was never God’s intention or design. We were not designed to live lives independent of our Creator, we were created to be in relationship with Him— to both trust in and depend on Him.
The enemy’s tactics aren’t new. He lies today just the same as the serpent in the garden who sowed lies of distrust into the mind and heart of Eve, making her believe she didn’t need God. Independence from God is birthed out of a distrust in Him.
This past year has been a year learning what it looks like to depend on God. Not just in word declared, but in a life expressing trust in Him through obedience and surrender. I have felt the tension of my flesh desiring and grasping for control, but I have also experienced the gift of dependence when my fears, doubts and desires are wholly submitted to the Father’s loving care.
Through the health challenges, anxiety, transition, church planting, and pregnancy of the past year— God has been faithful. Healing has come and continues to come every moment I choose to surrender myself to Jesus. Every moment I lay my fears at his feet. Every moment I step out in obedience and trust. Every moment I completely depend on Him. What a gift it is to depend on a faithful God.
God is faithful [He is reliable, trustworthy and ever true to His promise—He can be depended on], and through Him you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.” 1 Corinthians 1:9 AMP
2023 Recap
Favorite Read: Prayer in the Night by Tish Harrison Warren. This book honestly is more than just my favorite read of the year— I will venture to say it is one of my favorite reads of all time. I highlighted nothing in it because I otherwise would have highlighted everything. If you find yourself in a hard season, or have ever questioned the goodness of God in a world full of suffering— this book is for you. Tish writes beautifully and out of her own season of pain and hardship, paving a way of prayer when one doesn’t have the words to pray anymore.
This book is a meditation on this beloved prayer. It’s about how to continue to walk the way of faith without denying the darkness. It’s about the terrible yet common suffering we each shoulder, and what trusting God might mean in the midst of it.
- Tish Harrison Warren -
Go-To Recipe: These Chicken Zucchini Poppers were one of my staples this past year. The added zucchini helps to keep the meatballs moist and delicious. Eat them over rice with some veggies and coconut aminos or add them to a greek salad with some homemade vegan tzatziki. They also batch, freeze and reheat really well!
Song on Repeat: Take You At Your Word by Cody Carnes & Benjamin William Hastings. When the toddler memorizes a worship song and air drums around praising Jesus that song gets played a lot! This was definitely a favorite of Levi’s, but it also became an anthem of my own.
Favorite Levi Memory: Oh man, there are way too many to share here. Levi has grown so much over the past year. He is energetic, talkative, sweet and stubborn all wrapped together. One of my favorite things he has started doing over the past year is when he asks Ryan or I to lay with him a little longer before he goes to bed. Although I’m sure this is mostly a tactic to get out of going to sleep, it is still one of my favorite things. He will barter the time that we might lay with him “five more minutes mama” or “ten more minutes dada” and once we finally agree and lay down next to him he will look us square in the face and say, “don’t count mama” or “don’t count dada” in an effort to get us to stay forever. It’s the cutest thing— and I know I’ll miss it when he no longer wants me to lay with him so it usually works to get me to linger a little longer.
Favorite Family Moments: Beach days, bubbles and racing cars in the abandoned lot, our final summer camp with Northwest Youth, cabin days with our dear friends at Lake Wenatchee, exploring our new neighborhood, the beginnings of Banner Seattle, and Christmas spent with family in Arizona.
Biggest Change: Moving to Seattle and entering a new season church planting! It has been a challenging transition, but we have also seen God’s hand and provision so tangibly along the way. There is so much anticipation and excitement as we look towards launching this next year and begin reaching this city with the Good News of Jesus. If you want to follow along or are interested in joining, then connect with us at Banner Seattle— we would love to meet you!
Biggest Surprise: Finding out we were expecting baby #2! I was surprised that we even had a surprise pregnancy. We struggled with infertility when trying to get pregnant with Levi and so I assumed it would be the same this time around, or at least that we would have to be very very intentional in order to get pregnant. After experiencing an early loss last year followed by health issues we had taken a break from trying for another baby. Waking up to a positive pregnancy test the morning of our move to Seattle was such a joyful surprise. The timing was just like God and we couldn’t be happier to be growing our family come June 2024.
3 Things I’m Most Thankful For:
1. The renewal and life found in God’s Word and the persistent pursuit of the Father.
2. Mr. Ryan Kim. I’m thankful for a husband that not only makes me laugh, but who wades with me through the muddy waters of life. A man who prays for his family and who I get to take giant leaps of faith with. My person in the valleys and on the mountaintops til Jesus calls us home.
3. Family & friends. I know that encompasses a lot. My son, my parents, church family and more. But truly, life is meant to be lived in community and I will forever be grateful for mine.
*honorable mention: My mom’s handmade microwaveable rice hot-packs. These things have been doing the most this past year! Providing warmth and soothing the belly aches— literally the best.
How was your year? What are some highlights? What was challenging? What are you looking forward to in the new year? Would love to hear from you in the comments!
Until next year (in exactly 50 minutes),
Janelle :)